


forgive me for breathing

by softgay (lovelymartin)



Category: Ookiku Furikabutte | Big Windup!
Genre: Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Pining, Polyamorous Character, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-24
Updated: 2015-06-24
Packaged: 2018-04-05 22:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4197126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelymartin/pseuds/softgay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mihashi Ren has many problems, but this just made the top of the list. First, Abe’s inability to notice what Mihashi isn’t even trying to hide. Second, Tajima’s strange reaction, and the way he looks at Mihashi now, every time he thinks Mihashi’s looking the other way. There’s something strange in his eyes, even if his smile looks the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	forgive me for breathing

**Author's Note:**

> _Forgive me for staring, forgive me for breathing_  
>  We might not know why, we might not know how  
> But baby, tonight, we're beautiful now... 
> 
> This started out as me fleshing out some headcanons, but somehow turned into a 1k+ fic ??? Not sure how that happened....
> 
> Tajimiha is such an underrated paring, but it's one of my all-time favorites tbh
> 
> Just a heads-up that I read Mihashi as autistic, so that might or might not come across in this. It's not explicitly stated, but it's kind of implied at times.

Mihashi Ren has never been so obvious.

It’s not like he’s _trying_  to hide it, to let it bubble beneath the surface because he can’t bear what could happen if it spills out (though he certainly _is_  terrified of this particular unknown), it’s more like he _can’t_.  He knows that everyone sees it written on his skin, spelled out in a connect-the-dots pattern of every freckle on his body, glistening in the beads of sweat soaking further into his hair with every pitch he throws—this time, it’s not just him being paranoid. This time, he _k_ _nows_  it’s true, he _knows_  that every time any one of his teammates look at him, they see nothing else. Everyone knows.

Well, everyone but _him_.

The one who matters.

The one who _needs_  to know.

Just Mihashi’s luck, that the one person on this planet who doesn’t know that he’s madly in love with Abe Takaya is none other than Abe Takaya himself.

Nothing can possibly be more frustrating.

 

 

Tajima is the first one to know. He does, after all, have a talent for picking up on things, especially Mihashi’s things. Mihashi doesn’t articulate it too well (that’s nothing new, though, and nothing that Tajima isn’t used to), but he doesn’t even need to. Even though Tajima is always so plain with him, so open, and it usually makes Mihashi feel so at ease, this time Mihashi thinks he senses that Tajima is hiding something. As if he isn’t as happy for Mihashi, so eager and encouraging and insistent that Mihashi _d_ _o something about it_ , as he appears to be. Maybe that’s just the anxiety talking, the paranoia that he’s usually able to banish to the deepest corners of his mind when he is with Tajima but still looms over him at times. Maybe it’s the way Tajima’s smile falters for half a moment, fleeting enough that Mihashi can’t call it out even if he could find the words to.  Either way, Tajima’s feelings about Mihashi being in love with Abe are a gray area.

This upsets Mihashi in a way he can’t even begin to articulate, let alone justify.

Mihashi never likes gray areas, especially when they’re involved in his relationships with people, but somehow, this particular gray area hurts him deeper than all the others.

 

 

Mihashi Ren has many problems, but this just made the top of the list. First, Abe’s inability to notice what Mihashi isn’t even trying to hide. Second, Tajima’s strange reaction, and the way he looks at Mihashi now, every time he thinks Mihashi’s looking the other way. There’s something strange in his eyes, even if his smile looks the same. Tajima is _s_ _ad_ , Mihashi realizes. And if Mihashi can’t figure out why, there’s nothing he can do to fix it.

 

* * *

 

 

Tajima Yuuichirou is like a breath of fresh air.

Even compared to Abe, Mihashi hates to admit. Abe gets frustrated and angry and loud and Mihashi’s still not entirely convinced that his catcher doesn’t actually hate him.  Even when he says he’s counting on Mihashi, that Mihashi is a good pitcher, and he respects him, and countless other things, Mihashi still can’t forget the feeling of Abe’s fists pressing into the sides of his head, as clear and strong in his memory as the warmth of Abe’s hand curled around his.

Tajima, on the other hand. Mihashi doesn’t know how Tajima can understand his thoughts so perfectly, when even _he_  can’t put them into words that make sense to anyone. Tajima is an anchor, something to cling to, a constant. Mihashi always knows where he stands with Tajima. And Tajima always knows what Mihashi needs, even before Mihashi knows it.

And with that, everything clicks into place, and Mihashi suddenly knows why Tajima is so sad.

 

 

It’s ironic. It truly is. Mihashi’s frustration at Abe ignoring the obvious has caused _him_  to ignore the obvious. And in this case, the obvious takes the form of a boy with dark hair that sticks up from his head and freckles scattered across his nose, whose arm is thrown over Mihashi’s shoulder and whose voice rings in Mihashi’s head, shepherding his thoughts and drying his tears before they’d even had a chance to fall.

“I’m sorry,” is all he’s able to say to Tajima, as the tears start to form in his eyes.

In his head, it’s “I’m sorry I didn’t notice, I’m sorry I didn’t think to look, I’m sorry I took you for granted, and I didn’t realize that you felt something more. I’m sorry that I didn’t stop to wonder if _I_  felt something more.”

He’s lucky that Tajima has always been able to hear what he says in his head.

Before Mihashi has time to even realize what’s happening, Tajima has wrapped his arms around him. He’s holding him tight, and their faces are close. Mihashi blinks away tears, and he can’t help but smile.

“I-I like you too, Tajima,” he manages, and then they’re kissing, and Mihashi has never been more in love.

 

 

Somehow, the others aren’t as surprised as Mihashi expects them to be when they find out that he’s dating Tajima. No one even asks about Abe. Abe, of course, was oblivious to it in the first place, so Mihashi doesn’t even start to worry about Abe’s feelings being hurt. He probably never liked Mihashi back, anyway.

Speaking of which, Mihashi is still unable to shake that nagging attraction towards Abe, even though he is very much in love with Tajima. He doesn’t know how that’s possible, to be equally in love with two separate people. He didn’t think it worked that way.  Tajima seems content with Mihashi being in love with him, so Mihashi decides to leave it at that, and keep thoughts of Abe off to the side.

 

* * *

 

 

They’re sprawled on Mihashi’s bed one Saturday afternoon, Mihashi tucked close into the curve of Tajima’s body.  The textbooks strewn on the floor are only present as an excuse for Tajima to be here; they were never intended to actually be used today, although Mihashi’s mother isn’t allowed to know that. Mihashi’s pretty sure that she suspects something by this point: even though Tajima spent most of his time at Mihashi’s house even before they started dating, he has since developed a need to be touching some part of Mihashi at all times, his fingers and lips lingering on Mihashi’s skin even when they’re with other people, to Mihashi’s horror. And besides, this is another one of those things that Mihashi couldn’t possibly hide, even if he wanted to.

Even with Tajima so close, his warmth seeping into Mihashi’s body, his fingers tangled in his hair, Mihashi can’t help letting his mind drift over to Abe. It started innocently enough, with him mulling over for the thousandth time something Abe had said to him regarding his pitching at practice the day before, but quickly diverged into how it would feel to lay with Abe in his current position, how Abe’s body would fit against his own.  He mentally scolds himself for these thoughts, as though they are somehow trying to compete with his love for Tajima (which they’re not, but Mihashi still worries).

He must have made a sound, because Tajima notices, and slowly pulls away, rolling over to face Mihashi.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, and the color drains from Mihashi’s face as he tries to stutter a response, to insist that it’s nothing.

But Tajima knows, and he keeps pressing, and eventually Mihashi curls into a ball as he desperately and not entirely successfully tries to explain. He presses his face into his chest as the tears slip down his cheeks, his voice shaking and his throat closing on the words.

“Hey,” Tajima replies, softly. “You’re just worried that you won’t like me as much if you like Abe, or that something’s wrong with you for liking us both?”

Slowly, Mihashi nods, lifting his head slightly.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, so don’t worry about that. Maybe you’re polyamorous?”

Mihashi pushes himself sitting and wipes his eyes as Tajima explains, and he can’t help but smile a little at the thought.

“S-so, I could have both of you, i-if I wanted?”

Tajima nods, grinning. He breathes out a laugh suddenly, throwing an arm over Mihashi’s back and exclaiming that he “always kinda wanted to have a threesome.”

Mihashi can’t help but blush at the thought, but he’s smiling, smiling in a way he hasn’t in years, not since middle school.

“Y-yeah, I think I’d like that too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics in the earlier notes are from the song "Beautiful Now" by Zedd. not entirely relevant to the story, but they kinda fit?
> 
> This was more of a character/relationship study than anything else really. I hope you guys liked it anyway!
> 
> I wasn't really sure what to rate this, but I decided on T because well they do mention threesomes in the end? idk if that's really worthy of a T rating but you never know lmao


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